9 Years ago yesterday (2/13/17)....I was fresh out of the operating room on what I would learn was a failed upper left lung lobectomy surgery.  They had gone in for this "pseudotumor" looked around and identified terminal metastatic Non small cell lung cancer.  The former John's Hopkins thoracic surgeon, who had moved to Chesapeake for a less chaotic life, had gone in with the 3 probe DaVinci robotic tool, looked around, made the discovery, took some pictures of it, and stopped the surgery as it would have been like "blowing on a dandelion" had she gone any farther.   As I was in recovery she delivered the news to Kelly, who I anticipate was just wanting to get past the surgery and do a quiet Valentine's Day (in the hospital).  I woke up, asked to see Kelly, they wheeled me to my room in ICU, and Kelly came in and gave me the news.   A day later 2/14/17 (our first Valentine's Day as a married couple) we got the official diagnosis and prognosis from the oncologist on duty.   I had 6-12 months, Christmas 2017 was a maybe at best, and I needed to get my affairs in line as I was in prepare to die mode.   But God...

I found myself looking back at my blog and had forgotten about some of what I wrote.  What a great reminder of what God can do.   I encourage anyone who is walking through it to record your thoughts and when you are healed, go back and look at what God did.  Here is the 1st post as blogs always show the latest first and the first last.  

I'll break here and finally get to my point after 2 paragraphs 9 years later.   When catastrophic news like cancer with a bad prognosis hits, people have a few choices about how to handle it.   Given the dire mortal nature of it, it ultimately winds up at "how will I get through this?", "what happens when and if I die?", and lots of other questions that have to be sorted out by the ailing person and his/her family.  We ultimately will hit a cross road and have to make the choice, and no choice is a choice.  There is no middle.  Will I go about it alone?, or will I put my faith in God?.   I have been a Christian (albeit not a very good one at times) for a long time.   I, and I have known some others, who chose to run to God, ask for faith that we did not have, ask for healing, and go all in 100% in trusting His perfect will.  That means turn it over and not care what the outcome is.  That is a leap when you are staring down the gun barrel.   I know of other people over the last 9 years who have chosen to rely upon their own devices and either ask God the casual prayer here and there, or not at all.   It is interesting to see the difference in outlook between the people on those 2 paths.  The Christians have hope.  The others seem to be in a state of unknown or have resigned to a finish line with nothing more in their horizon's vision.  Giving up perceived control is not easy.  Take a look at worry.   We ruminate on endless details in hopes that we are doing something constructive, but worry is "fauxductivity".

The Christian with hope does not always understand the affliction and the many why questions around it, but ultimately has hope in either healing here on earth or being healed in heaven.  The unbeliever has faith in the doctors and medical science (which is created by humans created by God), and that can prevail.   However if it is not successful, then there is no further hope.

As the bible says, we will all give an account for our lives when we die.  As it also says, those who are Christians and have professed that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior will be found not guilty as all of our sins have been forgiven through the blood sacrifice of Jesus, and we have been made righteous (perfect) before God because of His resurrection.   

To anyone facing cancer, family members facing cancer, or especially if you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, I emplore you to say that prayer, find a bible believing church, and emerse yourself in it.  Missing this means you miss out on the greatest gift and hope known to mankind.  Since it is now 2026, and the age of LLMs and AI question answering, I consulted Gemini see below  :-) 

The Sinner’s Prayer is a heartfelt confession of sin and a declaration of faith in Jesus Christ, asking for forgiveness and inviting Him to be Lord and Savior. It acts as an act of faith rather than a formula, often featuring phrases like "I know I am a sinner" and "I believe You died for my sins". 

How to Pray the Sinner's Prayer
The prayer can be said privately or with a guide, focusing on sincerity rather than specific words. Common components include: 

• Acknowledgment: Recognizing oneself as a sinner in need of God's grace.
• Belief: Expressing faith that Jesus died for sins and rose from the dead.
• Repentance:
   Turning away from sin.
Commitment: Inviting Jesus to take control of one's life as Lord and Savior. 

Common Examples

• "Lord Jesus, I want to have a personal relationship with You. I know I am a sinner and I believe You died on the cross for my sins. I turn from those sins and put my faith in You right now to be my Lord and Savior, my God and Friend. Thank You for hearing this prayer. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen."
• "Dear God, I believe Jesus Christ is your Son. I confess I have sinned, and I ask for your forgiveness. I believe that Jesus died to take away my sins and that you raised him to life. I want to trust Jesus as my Savior and follow him as Lord from this day forward." 

3 years later

It was Valentine's Day 2017.   I was a day out of a surgery that was stopped due to the discovery of non-small cell lung cancer in my chest cavity, along with an 8cm tumor in my upper left lung, of which no one in the medical community could figure out what it was.  As any good surgeon would do, she took a look around in my chest cavity via the VATS Da Vinci robotics surgery machine and located strange cells, which were immediately biopsied and declared NSCLC in the OR by Pathology.   that stopped the surgery in its tracks, they sewed up the 4 holes in my side for the machine and put me in a room.

Late morning Feb 14th, 2017, one of the Oncologists from Va Oncology came by to speak with me about the cancer discovery and what plans would be.  As I will always, do, I just asked him to "Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  I appreciated his directness in saying 6-12 months.  We obviously did not like hearing it, but always best to have the facts and work from there.   So my future would be medicine, eventual hospice, and Christmas 2017 would be a long shot.

Tons of people came by, tons prayed, and interestingly labs and pathology became conflicted and confused on what is normally an obvious and diagnosable issue (150k x / year in the USA alone).  We headed for MD Anderson, they found no trace of the odd cells that were sampled, nor any cancer.    Mega loads of steroids, some additional appointments, and a trip back in August resulted in a surgery to remove an unknown tumor where no cancer had been found in 2 biopsies.  Open chest surgery this time, they removed the tumor and discovered Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  Blood cancer.

After 5 months of chemo, endless blood tests and long appointments, it was Valentine's Day 2018.  Through God's provision and a strong supporting Kelly, I had survived.  Protocol called for quarterly PET and CT scans for 2 years.  If I could make it that far without a relapse, I would officially land in the 97% cure rate for the chemo I was on.   As of last Friday 2/7/20, I am happy to report landing there.  All praise and thanks to God for His healing hand and directing our path.

However, today Valentine's Day 2020, I wanted to reflect on the last 3.75 years of marriage to Kelly, 3 of which has had NHL cancer at the forefront a lot of times.  I have talked about her throughout the blog and all that she did with being a tremendous advocate in my darkest, weakest hours.   But I have to reiterate that she is truly a blessing from God.  I have never met anyone so kind, understanding, accommodating, with such a servant's heart.  In fact we are doing a dinner in Kill Devil Hills tomorrow night where she will cook, what I am sure will be another awesome meal, for 12 people, because that is what she loves to do...Love her neighbor.

We have worked to build a Christ-centered marriage on the premise of Ecc 4:12 .  "Though one may be overpowered,  two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  We consider it a blessing to have gone through such trials since ultimately it was for our benefit and good as we grew closer together faster and on a deeper plane with the potential for such a bad outcome.  James 1:2-9 and Romans 8:28 both speak to this.


Happy Valentine's Day Kellygirl!  I love you.

Today, not tomorrow, but today

I spoke Sunday at a Men's retreat this past weekend, and spoke on "Our Words".  While my presentation is somewhere between mediocre and south of midland, and the lighting is not great, I think this basic message of make your words count, holds true.  What we say is impacting on the people around us, and frankly us as we face trials.  Our words can reveal patterns of how we think.  If your words are not what you want them to be, you will need to address the way you have trained your mind with past words, habits, and practice.

I was speaking with a guy that knows a guy who is an elderly man with newly diagnosed brain cancer.  This elderly man has said things like "I won't be here next year".  While I can totally relate to that, having been given a death sentence of 6-12 months Valentine's Day 2017, I am thankful that, Lord willing, Kelly and I are about to celebrate our third Valentine's Day as a married couple in a few days, here in 2019.  I have known a few people to say words alluding to a grim outlook, that have had cancer when it looked really bad.  Heck, I said it.  I believe it to be a natural response to shocking news like what you can get when you have cancer.  I also think that is ok, and we can certainly take that to God in prayer and to those around us.

Where it gets interesting is when we see the line between the people that dwell in the bad news of limited time, and then others that somehow seem to move past it, for lack of a better term, and do not dwell on being told that they have a limited time here on earth.  One has to ask, "What is the difference between these two types of people?"  Certainly, we could point to faith, but honestly, I know a lot of Christians that lament about issues, big and small, constantly.  They can dwell on what has been revealed or what science has predicted, and never get past the negatives about how it impacts them to see what may be happening for God's glory.  Don't get me wrong, faith is very powerful and the key element in our lives as Christians, but it can't just be faith with no effort, or no Christian would ever dwell on thoughts and words of a tumultuous situation, and would inherently just move on.  This really goes well beyond terrible news about our health and can even go so far as to extend into all really bad news, and address job loss, money issues, relationships gone bad, other medical issues, and so on....each potentially having no visible resolution, hope, and no immediate solution available, in their own right.

So what is it about the people that can seem to move on and not dwell on their situation, in the face of "certain peril"?   First, I think that these people are not dismissing the situation.  Trust me, it is very real and present when you get shocking news.  What they are doing it tapping into something[s] that is allowing them to deal gracefully with it.  They often display positive attitudes and positive words in the face of danger.  We don't hear them complaining constantly.  They have somehow transformed their thoughts to the positive. They have obviously received what their God given faith has given them, but also importantly, they have chosen to be positive about their outlook in their actions and words...also part of their faith yes, but choice and execution is something that we own.  They are simply refusing to dwell in the perceived certain peril.  They have made up their mind that their God is bigger than their problem and trusted God with the outcome, even if it results in the situation resulting in the humanly perceived worst...which by the way, in the case of terminal disease lands you in paradise, in heaven with God, if you are a believer in Jesus and a thereby a saved Christian.

From a biblical perspective, the bible is full of scripture pointing us to focus on our God more than our problem.  A few very popular verses:

Mat 6:34 -Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

James 4:13,14 - Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.

Prov 3:5,6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

In each case, especially when looking at the scripture around these verses, this sense of "God is bigger than what you see", is present.  He is commanding us to be focused on just today.  This is not to say that planning for the future and awareness of tomorrow aren't also prudent.  The bible tells us to plan also, but planning and worrying are two different things.  If we apply that to our bad situation, we can boil our perspective down to a few key points every day.

1. Did I [or will I] do everything I could do today, to help my situation both today and in the longer term?  (hint: this does not include worrying as that is futile).
2. Did I pray about my situation.  We could see just including this in the first bullet, but it is actually so much more than just a line item to check off.  It is a core part of shaping our minds.  It warrants its own item, and if we are being honest, should probably be #1.
3. Did I glorify God today?  What did I do or say today that would glorify God about this situation?

Suffice it to say, these things keep us busy in times of turmoil, but also keep us focused on the things that I can actually do to impact my situation, and most importantly places God on the throne in our lives as the priority and focus instead of our own perceived control and worry.

We discussed apologetics this past weekend as our headline topic, which was presented by a new friend Allen Crostic.  I would be remiss if I did not mention this, as apologetics is a fancy term for making a case for what you believe.  Those who provide a positive word today, as they walk through their storm, are providing a witness for their faith.  They are living what they believe, and surely "doing apologetics" well.  

A friend's wife just got the news...

In speaking with a friend who's wife just got the news that there is a large tumor in her abdomen that they are going to have to deal with, I was reminded of the way that feels.   Your world gets bombed.  Nothing makes sense, and you are forced to reckon with the possibility that anything can happen.  So I wanted to list some of the administrative type stuff that can make the process go better.

I think that step one, as with any issue in life is square with your faith.  What do you believe, and how do you intend to run with that?  For Kelly and I, our Christian faith in Jesus was a guiding light for decision making, attitude, mental health, and ultimately physical health.  I walk 12 months cancer free today, thanks to God.

Some things to think about as you enter into life's medical industry tornado, when you are told that they found something of concern...

• Run to your church and tap deeply into your faith.   If you are not a person of faith, you will have to use whatever your method is, but do not forget the mental and spiritual side of this battle.  It is also critical.
• Urgency - Develop a "right now mentality" about your medical care.  No, it can not wait.  Yes, you need the very best medical attention you can get, right now.  Do not allow you mind to wander and accept delays and assumptions.   Use your connections with people in the medical industry.  They can help you immensely.  Be politely persistent, always, but make sure you get what you need.
• Get an advocate.  Someone that is going to be there every step of the way, with you, that will fight for you, with great urgency.   Kelly was mine and she did a great job.  She was/is still at every appointment, she kept "the book" which was a giant binder of every report, scan, appointment, notes, etc and she could put her fingers on data in seconds.  This is critical as you develop a panel of doctors that are going to be hamstrung by the medical systems that do not talk to each other well.  The result of not having this is potentially very costly delays which could be a factor in your fight. 
• Bureaucracy - Insurance and medical paperwork processing are going to bog you down.   To get to the best medical help now, you are going to need to follow every transmission of data up.  For example, our introduction to this was when we were trying to get some results from radiology over to my GP.   Radiology had transmitted it, but what that means is they sent it to a big pile at the doctor's office.   Kelly had to find out what their process was and follow it all the way to the GP.  The way it works is, they "FAX" which is actually more like email, to a server.  From there someone who is likely an underpaid over worked clerk then had to send it to my doctors group within their practice.  From there another clerk picks it up and puts it in my doctor's pile.  From there he has to free up 2 minutes in his busy schedule to look at it.  Without follow up all the way through you can imagine the amount of delay this will cause.  With regard to insurance, find the people who admin your policy at work, or wherever, and make friends right now with them.  You are going to need them.  Big insurance company's mission is to take money in and not pay it out.  That is what makes them profitable.  They often have many layers of people and processes just like the medical information systems.  Being able to quickly traverse bureaucracy will help get things approved faster, and create a lot less stress for you. 
• Find people who have been through this and ask them about what they did and what they ran into.  Their experience may save you precious time and help you get organized.
• You should be working toward finding a specialist.  Your GP or whoever found the issue has likely referred you to someone.   Do your homework and make sure this doctor is experienced, does good work, and will be a good advocate for you.  You can ask for more options if you need to.  I was very fortunate to have Kelly in the imaging field.  She got me in with Dr. Dhawan who is an outstanding pulmonologist.  He was direct with information, had an urgent position, had plenty of experience, and provided outstanding medical care.  I still owe this guy a beer!  He was great.  From there plan on seeing more people.  Our guy was part of a group here locally which included different types of specialists that could provide care and do surgery.   I went from Xray, and look there is a problem in your lung, to pulmonology, to CT Scan, to biopsy, to PET scan, to surgery to remove the lung, to pathology in the OR which stopped the surgery due to new cancer being found, to U of Texas MD Anderson in Houston, to more tests and scans, to open chest surgery where they got what we thought was a benign tumor out and found Lymphoma.
• Oncology - there are many different types of oncology out there so, if you do have a cancer case, you will want to find one early.  They are overloaded with patients and you will not want to wait to get in.  Hitting this early on is wise since while you are progressing through your medical processes, if you already have an oncologist lined up, you should be able to eliminate delays.   We wanted someone with a can-do attitude and someone that did not say "never."  Dr Lee has been outstanding in every step of the process.   I could not be more thankful to have landed with him.   Another guy told me there was nothing they could do and left me there.  He got "fired by us" 15 minutes into the conversation.  :-)
• Diet - Do your homework.  Personally, I decided to eliminate sugar.  This is highly disputed in the oncology field since the FDA says that sugar has no effect on cancer.  Ironically, when they do a PET scan they intravenously give you a radioactive sugar solution, since sugar excites the cancer cells, and then scan you.  I will debate the FDA on this one until the day I die.  Point being, be in control and make your choices based upon your information gathering and not blindly following someone else.  Ask a lot of questions, get informed, and make good decisions. 
• Chemo and diet - Drink a ton of water.  Chemo will knock it out of you.   Get some prune juice and fiber as well.  You will need this while doing your chemo cycles.  Eat a lot of smaller meals and go easy on your stomach.    
• Nuelasta - The miracle drug.  Neulasta gives your bone marrow a kick in the pants to produce a ton of white blood cells post chemo, since they are going to be basically gone.  You will probably experience pain in your hips and legs since these bones are the big producers.  That will die down with more cycles of Neulasta.   I slept on the carpeted floor a few nights.in the beginning, after the shot.  The firm floor seemed to help.  They say taking Claritin-D helps.  I did it, it still hurt, but I think they were probably right in that it did not hurt as much.  
• Track your numbers.   You are going to get a lot of blood work done if you wind up in chemo.  Track the data.  It is important.  Specifically, I chose to track the majors which were red and white blood cells, platelets, Neutrophil, and hemoglobin.   I also wore a fit bit which tracked my heart rate (can show dehydration tendencies), steps, and sleep.  I also weighed in daily.  Last but not least I tracked symptoms.  See my spreadsheet.  You will need to adjust to suit your needs with cycles, length of cycles, etc.   The important thing is establish trends so that when funky stuff happens you can reflect back on your history.
• The oncology office.  Be a bright light in there with a positive attitude.   You will be an inspiration and help so many people just by smiling and listening to them.  Many come in very down.   Even if you are, if you make the effort to smile and listen, both you and the person you are speaking with are going to benefit from the positive attitude you bring.  

Have a blessed day, keep up the fight, and remember Isaiah 40:31 

When did I forget?

As I sit here once again in the chair at the oncology office, I celebrate that this is the last week of chemo.   God has been so good to me in renewing my strength through this whole 6 - 3 week cycles of chemo.   Sure, I have had times when I was just out of energy, but it always seemed to work out to be when I was at home and could rest without disrupting anything.   God has carried me through work, commitments to groups, moving, building beds, a dining room table, and a ton of shelving in the garage at the new house, and so on, and especially when I needed energy, He was there.   As I have quoted so often "Those who wait [trust] upon the Lord will renew in their strength, they will soar on wings of eagles."  ~Isaiah 40:31

Every so often, the reality of the possibilities of the situation set in, and I get down.   We just lost another friend who I grew close to in discussions on Facebook, and knowing his sister and family so well at church.  I never actually met the guy face to face, but we had some great discussions via text.  At any rate, he had stage 4 colon cancer and died at the young age of 41.   What a great encourager he was through it all.  I look forward to meeting him in heaven.  Another one was a walking inspiration that I met at the cancer support group at church.   He was a retired veteran, Chaplin, and medical field professional who died of cancer a couple months ago, but was a great friend also sharing this burden of the disease.    Seeing 2 great people get taken out by cancer, while you are on chemo because of cancer, is not easy.  The mind wanders....As humans we tend to for some reason devolve to thinking about the worst case scenario and then dwelling on it.  I guess God knew this, which is why Jesus addresses "worry" smack in the middle of the sermon on the mount [ Mat 6:25-34 ].   Worry is real.  Jesus ultimately offers the solution in one of my all time favorite verses which is Mat 6:33 - " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."  He's saying, "Drop your mask where you are the one in the driver's seat with it all together and be real with me, come to me first, and I will take care of your needs."  He is saying, "Look I am God, and I am in compete control.   I may not answer your prayers right away, or the way you want, because I am shaping you for something greater, but if you come to me first, you are going to be fine."

I tend to pray a lot in the car since dealing with all of the crazies on the road alone would suck.   JK...it is one of the few places where it is quiet, and cruise control and watching the yellow and white line go by creates an opportunity to do that.  At any rate, this weekend was kind of a rough patch where worry set in.  Friday I met with the oncology doc and we discussed that this is my last week of chemo and the 6 cycles will be complete.   From there, I have to get scans and if all is good, let life-jimbag part II begin.  If not, I will endure a bone marrow napalm followed by re-injection of my own harvested stem cycles [another thorough bone marrow aspiration] to try to reset my system, OR the new immunotherapy which was just released in October.   Bad PET/CT scans presents a daunting iffy future in the hospital for a couple months, in the pit of misery with no Bud Light...Dilly Dilly!, to say the least.

At any rate, you know how you kind of hit the end of a worry cycle and you feel like you have to do something, becasue it is driving your nuts..?   I landed there in prayer, in the car, this morning.   Its that time when you have to throw your guard, pride, rationalizations, control, worry, and so on, aside and just get real with God.  So once again in saying the tough prayer to God and admitting my God given faith is weak, "I've gotta be honest with you God, you didn't answer my prayer last time when we all prayed and the tumor would just miraculously be gone and there would be no cancer (He is doing it another way), I am afraid, I don't know why this all has happened or what is to come.  I believe that you are sovereign and in complete control, but I am not sure I believe that you are going to rid me of cancer for good.  I come to you as you said in Mat 6:33 and seeking you as my only answer.  Will you give me what I need to get through this worry?  I am coming to you and asking for help and healing as you promised in Psalm 30:2."

As the way so many stories go, "And then God..."

And then God presents me with a reflection back on all of the awesome stuff he has provided through it all....I have endured chemo through His power and grace.   I have grown spiritually a ton.  I was able to sell 3 houses, move twice, miss only 1 day of work, restore an important busted relationship, live through hurricane Harvey in Houston, never get sick, and so much more.  Jesus was the answer then, and He is still the answer now.  Then in true grand God style the next song on Sirius XM channel 63 is Amy Grant "King of the World".  Check out the lyrics and maybe give it a listen...

"I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust"

Mind = blown...And reset, and I'm back.  I figured there is enough worry out there, where maybe someone may be in a state of worry, and I felt like I should share the story.

Anyway, today's big kick off drip, 4 to-go bags of chemo this week, and a final drip Friday and I'm ready to rock life part II.  As of Friday late afternoon, I will have taken 21 liters of chemo over the 18 total weeks, and believing all will continue to be well this week and I will remain on wings of eagles [Isa 40:31] with no horrific experience, and ultimately I will be done with chemo.   Then I have to get busy growing my eyebrows back.  :-)

To quote Captain Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon."