As I sit here once again in the chair at the oncology office, I celebrate that this is the last week of chemo. God has been so good to me in renewing my strength through this whole 6 - 3 week cycles of chemo. Sure, I have had times when I was just out of energy, but it always seemed to work out to be when I was at home and could rest without disrupting anything. God has carried me through work, commitments to groups, moving, building beds, a dining room table, and a ton of shelving in the garage at the new house, and so on, and especially when I needed energy, He was there. As I have quoted so often "Those who wait [trust] upon the Lord will renew in their strength, they will soar on wings of eagles." ~Isaiah 40:31
Every so often, the reality of the possibilities of the situation set in, and I get down. We just lost another friend who I grew close to in discussions on Facebook, and knowing his sister and family so well at church. I never actually met the guy face to face, but we had some great discussions via text. At any rate, he had stage 4 colon cancer and died at the young age of 41. What a great encourager he was through it all. I look forward to meeting him in heaven. Another one was a walking inspiration that I met at the cancer support group at church. He was a retired veteran, Chaplin, and medical field professional who died of cancer a couple months ago, but was a great friend also sharing this burden of the disease. Seeing 2 great people get taken out by cancer, while you are on chemo because of cancer, is not easy. The mind wanders....As humans we tend to for some reason devolve to thinking about the worst case scenario and then dwelling on it. I guess God knew this, which is why Jesus addresses "worry" smack in the middle of the sermon on the mount [ Mat 6:25-34 ]. Worry is real. Jesus ultimately offers the solution in one of my all time favorite verses which is Mat 6:33 - " But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." He's saying, "Drop your mask where you are the one in the driver's seat with it all together and be real with me, come to me first, and I will take care of your needs." He is saying, "Look I am God, and I am in compete control. I may not answer your prayers right away, or the way you want, because I am shaping you for something greater, but if you come to me first, you are going to be fine."
I tend to pray a lot in the car since dealing with all of the crazies on the road alone would suck. JK...it is one of the few places where it is quiet, and cruise control and watching the yellow and white line go by creates an opportunity to do that. At any rate, this weekend was kind of a rough patch where worry set in. Friday I met with the oncology doc and we discussed that this is my last week of chemo and the 6 cycles will be complete. From there, I have to get scans and if all is good, let life-jimbag part II begin. If not, I will endure a bone marrow napalm followed by re-injection of my own harvested stem cycles [another thorough bone marrow aspiration] to try to reset my system, OR the new immunotherapy which was just released in October. Bad PET/CT scans presents a daunting iffy future in the hospital for a couple months, in the pit of misery with no Bud Light...Dilly Dilly!, to say the least.
At any rate, you know how you kind of hit the end of a worry cycle and you feel like you have to do something, becasue it is driving your nuts..? I landed there in prayer, in the car, this morning. Its that time when you have to throw your guard, pride, rationalizations, control, worry, and so on, aside and just get real with God. So once again in saying the tough prayer to God and admitting my God given faith is weak, "I've gotta be honest with you God, you didn't answer my prayer last time when we all prayed and the tumor would just miraculously be gone and there would be no cancer (He is doing it another way), I am afraid, I don't know why this all has happened or what is to come. I believe that you are sovereign and in complete control, but I am not sure I believe that you are going to rid me of cancer for good. I come to you as you said in Mat 6:33 and seeking you as my only answer. Will you give me what I need to get through this worry? I am coming to you and asking for help and healing as you promised in Psalm 30:2."
As the way so many stories go, "And then God..."
And then God presents me with a reflection back on all of the awesome stuff he has provided through it all....I have endured chemo through His power and grace. I have grown spiritually a ton. I was able to sell 3 houses, move twice, miss only 1 day of work, restore an important busted relationship, live through hurricane Harvey in Houston, never get sick, and so much more. Jesus was the answer then, and He is still the answer now. Then in true grand God style the next song on Sirius XM channel 63 is Amy Grant "King of the World". Check out the lyrics and maybe give it a listen...
"I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world
Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust"
Mind = blown...And reset, and I'm back. I figured there is enough worry out there, where maybe someone may be in a state of worry, and I felt like I should share the story.
Anyway, today's big kick off drip, 4 to-go bags of chemo this week, and a final drip Friday and I'm ready to rock life part II. As of Friday late afternoon, I will have taken 21 liters of chemo over the 18 total weeks, and believing all will continue to be well this week and I will remain on wings of eagles [Isa 40:31] with no horrific experience, and ultimately I will be done with chemo. Then I have to get busy growing my eyebrows back. :-)
To quote Captain Jack Sparrow, "Bring me that horizon."
