Since the its not cancer good news, I have been frustrated with the lack of progress on my lung tumor shrinking over the past month and the prescription of 80mg of Prednisone that I get to take daily. I wound up reaching the point of talking to some people about the lack of any progress over the past week or so. Thanks to those who were willing to listen to me throw up in your ear.
On the positive peripheral benefits side, I have been on Prednisone for the last month and I have to say, when it comes to prepping 2 houses for sale, there is no better prescription with which to be saddled. Big appetite, no sleep, and a whirlwind of activity. With that goes crankier than usual (sorry Kelly) and seemingly not being able to keep up physically with one's mind racing constantly. At any rate, the Prednisone is supposed to help my immune system battle this 8cm Inflammatory Pseudotumor (medical lingo generic bucket for the unknown) which has apparently declared squatter's rights in the top lobe of my left lung. I had some odd symptoms a couple weeks ago that led me to an XRay which revealed no change after a couple weeks on the meds. Breathing has not improved, the coughing is still there, and i can feel it in there every so often which is irritating so say the least. I have faithfully followed the orders and prescription daily, and I see no change for the past month. I have prayed constantly for healing and seen no change. The docs say that it takes time, but time? A month and NO change? really? The docs keep checking up with it takes time...How about we get down to brass tacks and get some resolution here!? It isn't working yet, and I am not hearing any reasonable solutions aside from do the partial open chest thoracotomy lung lobectomy which will immobilize me mid rental season in OBX, trying to prep to sell two houses and moving to temp space and then to our new house, and generally suck beyond all belief well into mid summer. I "vent-digress".
So back to this past week. I wound up speaking with some really wise people as I mentioned, and took the opportunity to throw up in their ear. I also went to God and asked Him, "what is up with this?" I remember saying, "You healed me from my death sentence I was given in February, I know you can heal this tumor whether through drugs, miracle, or some other way, I believe that you will do it again, and nothing...<crickets chirping>." I got done with my rather spirited prayer, with God, of iterating through my list of grievances with how God is not working fast enough for me. Isn't that cool how we can go to God with that kind of stuff? :-) I have to think that He is totally cool with that if you ever need to just blow up at Him. He's God. Just be respectful, say your piece and move on to accepting His plan...its for your own good. With that you may get the benefit of learning more about your situation in ways you may not expect, but I am confident that God gets that we are human since he created us an all, and is much bigger than being shaken by a child of His having a fit, once in a blue. So anyway, what's up with this? Why is there no progress? Oddly, I wound up with a fever of 101 Wednesday night which was the shaking I think I may have needed. This was no sleep all night, wringing wet like just ran through a car wash night sweats. Remember I said you may get to learn beyond what you expect...? Night sweats can mean a lot of things. I used to get them every night earlier leading up to and just after surgery. It could be a bug, it could be some kind of inflammation or infection, or it can also be a symptom of cancer. Fever is the body fighting. I do not know what happened, but by morning I had no fever and as luck would have it next to no sleep, but I assure you I was really nice to Kelly and everyone else, all day. :-) ok I may need to ask to be forgiven for that lie. The tumor is still there and causing breathing issues so that did not end, but the message of wake up and get in line with me seemed to be ringing in my head pretty loud. Today I am back to usual status, and have not had any night sweats since Wednesday. whew!
INTROSPECTION...
In my situation, I found myself cheating on my less or no sugar diet which are known inflammatory antigens, taking in too many carbs, and generally thinking, this is all going to be good I just need to get through it. Things like celebrations would happen and I would eat like 8 cup cakes because that was to be "a cheat day". Or beers on the weekend, or whatever. However, the truth is that is not being a good steward of ones health and body, if you know that what you are eating could be causing inflammation issues with what has been labeled as an inflammatory tumor, you may be the problem. With that I noted the erosion of the good work that had been done in me through this blessed plight, and I noted some sliding back. Perhaps you other very busy people out there are familiar with them...road rage, impatience, short temper, and so on. Net net, I was getting way too comfortable in this insanely busy time with houses and church groups, etc.
Then I started to wonder am I doing something that is blocking my progress, or am I not doing something that I should be doing. For example in Mark 11:25 we are commanded to go forgive others immediately after Jesus says believe and whatever you ask for in my name you will have. I remember pursuing people that I needed to reconcile with as I was advised by a brilliant healing preacher woman named Edith. When you are a person who works hard and likes to see the results of your work, you can quickly get to maybe I am not working hard enough to "earn it". God doesn't work on "earn it", however. God wants us to abide, but He also does not mandate a score card where we have to perform to meet His standard. As Christians, we already have the standard. It is Jesus. We are redeemed and made perfect in the eye of God by His own sacrifice. Change habits to abide more closely, possibly, but earn it, isn't the answer. I once heard someone say, the best barometer of your spiritual health is your prayer life. Well, I can't say mine was improving. In fact I found myself rushing through it sometimes. So the reality is, it had started to fade. Don't be afraid of a good gut check every once in a while. We can reap a lot of benefit from introspection. And our warts are not as bad as they may seem, but we have to remain committed and work at it.
Isn't it interesting how this process works. There is always that little thing that devolves into another, and that into another, and so on. I think comfort is a state where we are particularly vulnerable. I can't say I was ever really comfortable with having the tumor, but it was such a relief to get the "it isn't cancer (anymore) and we don't know why thing from the docs" that I got "comfortable". John Ortberg wrote a book called "The Me I want to Be" where he has one of my favorite quotes of all time. "The pursuit of comfort leads to isolation. And isolation is terminal." As we extrapolate from that, when we are comfortable, we tend to devolve to self, or perhaps more bluntly, a path of isolation from God. When we get there we open ourselves to listen, hear, and act upon influence which make us want to take control, even well into instances where we have none. As we analyze our circumstances, we often can iterate, albeit ad nauseum in tough situations, which can devolve into worry. We may even give our issue to God, only to take it back, then give it back, etc amid our state of processing. As we worry, we get more and more impatient when there isn't an outcome of our desired result, or for that matter any result, when we find ourselves in the echo chamber of waiting. That wears on the soul which leads to fatigue and just getting run down and tired.
THE GIFT OF WAITING...
W.A.I.T. as i have "acronymed" it in the title of this blog is the classic human form of wait, when it is something really big. You have to love how God can use our hardworking good intentions nature gone amok, to develop us. So what is the remedy for this inherent problem afflicting the human race, as we happen upon big stuff in our lives?
Galatians 5:22,23 includes one fruit which is patience, or long-suffering, or forbearance in other translations. Why do
you suppose that God would put that there as a fruit of the spirit
seemingly derived from the first which is love? I don't know that I have that answer, but what I do know is that it is there and it is something that will come from the Spirit. So it has value, and it is something that will have to be developed by God in us. If I ask myself what is at the core of patience? I arrive at trust. It is when I do not trust that the outcome will be suitable that I am most likely to work to intervene in attempt to impact the outcome to my desired result. The issue with that is, if it is a situation beyond my control, and I have given it to God, God does not need my help. So, if I do not trust Him and I continue to work to impact the outcome, I am pretty much on my own as I take things back from Him to impact.
I was in a conversation with a friend named Lisa about a song that I really like called Vertigo by U2 the other day. I think that most people don't realize that Bono makes yet another biblical reference in this song. "Uno, dos, tres, catorce" or as translated, 1,2,3,14. I have read that this is in reference to the 1st testament, 2nd book, 3rd chapter, 14th verse which is Exodus 3:14 where God is telling Moses "I AM" and to go tell the people you are about to be rescued from slavery in Egypt after all these centuries. As I contrast the two ways to wait (human vs. with God) I am reminded that with the great I AM, is the answer. My favorite verse Isaiah 40:31 opens with those who wait upon (or have hope in) the Lord will be renewed in their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles. There is power in waiting faithfully. It is not easy, and sometimes it is just grueling but in the end, those who wait faithfully will soar. At times, waiting requires us to just sit still and wait. I am reminded of Job who lost it all and waited and waited and waited, until finally breakthrough and he was rewarded double for his trouble in Job 42:10 after praying for his friends that looked to condemn him, as is also mentioned in Zechariah 9:12 in a different, but similar count of waiting. But that time in the middle is hard. Psalm 46:10 is another instance where the great I AM says be still and wait on me, it is going to be worth it. In each case full trust and surrender was required of the person waiting, and I believe that to be the case for us today. While let go, let God is easy to say, working to truly land there and then wait on God, offers reward in many ways.
As I sit here on my back deck at "the Jellyfish" in Kill Devil Hills today getting ready to spin up into "full Prednisone mode" painting, I reflect and press onward with long suffering (no laughing those who know me well), I am renewed in my faith that this tumor will pass and I will be restored to 100% and grown in some way well beyond just that.
#Isaiah40:31
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